Death of a righteous dude
Hello everybody, this is Horatio.

As you've probably heard on the evening news, my best friend Hamlet was involved in the carnage in Elsinore Street. The media are taking this whole thing out of context, calling it "the Danish Columbine High" and all that kind of shit. You may have seen the psychiatric "experts" on CNN claiming that he was a serial killer, or that he was suffering from some kind of "Oedipus complex". Well, I managed to guess Hamlet's password for this LiveJournal (it was "2bORNOT2b", but I've changed it) and I'm adding this entry to let you know what really went down in that house. I should know, I was there.

If you haven't read this LiveJournal so far, I suggest you start at the beginning to find out what was going on in the Hamlet household before all this happened. You probably heard of the duel that was about to go down between Hamlet and his girlfriend's brother, Laertes.

So anyway, I was in the mall with Hamlet and he was talking to me about all the stuff that had gone on in his life recently. I tell you, this guy has seen some shit. He seemed determined to end the whole thing one way or another. And then this guy came up to us, name of Osric. He's a friend of Hamlet's stepdad and he would be the arbiter in this duel thing. He told us that Hamlet's stepdad Claudius (who Hamlet hated) was betting an Xbox and a DVD player on Hamlet to win the duel.

So we went down to Hamlet's house and into the backyard, where the duel would be held. Everyone's there: Claudius, Hamlet's mom, and a lot of friends. They've got snacks and drinks and everything. Hamlet tells Laertes he's sorry for what he did at his sister's funeral. Laertes goes, "That's OK.. CHICKEN." So they both pick a sword and this Osric guy explains that the first one to get three hits wins the duel.

Now Hamlet told me that he'd been practicing fencing at uni, and it showed. He was really good and hit Laertes two times in a row. Then and there, it looked like it was all over. But then Laertes goes all medieval on Hamlet's ass and gets a hit. Hamlet gets even more angry, there's a scuffle and they drop the swords. They must have taken each other's swords at that point. So then they fight some more and sure enough, Hamlet gets the third hit in there.

So Hamlet's doing this little victory dance and we're high-fiving an' shit, when suddenly Hamlet's mom starts making these choking noises. It's just a few seconds before she keels over and dies, and Claudius, her second husband, is looking like he did it.

So then Laertes tells everybody what's going on. Claudius put poison on Laertes' fencing sword, and in the drink. He figured that if Laertes wouldn't be able to hit Hamlet even once, he could still offer his stepson a "victory drink". So now Hamlet's mom is dead (she drank the drink by accident), with Hamlet and Laertes (who was hit with his own sword) soon to follow. I can tell that Hamlet's figuring this out, too, because he goes, "Dude, WTF?!?!", jumps aside and hits his stepdad. So now HE's gonna die, too.

I go to Hamlet and he's like gasping and choking and stuff.. it's not pretty.
"I'm dying, Horatio," he says.
"Yeah, I know," I say, and, well, I may have cried a bit at that point.

Anyway, I've been grilled by the police for the whole day and I've pointed them to this weblog. Based on that, the DA is gonna ask the city coroner to dig up Hamlet's dad's body so they can confirm that he was killed, probably with the same poison that was used here. The guys from CSI have cordoned off half the street and they're reconstructing the whole story based on what I've told them. I've no doubt that they will be able to confirm what I've told them.

I'd just like to say here that Hamlet was a great guy, best friend I ever had, and that he didn't deserve to die. Sure, the whole Polonius thing was unfortunate, but him sharing the house with a killer didn't help much either. I'm leaving this LiveJournal as it is so that everybody can read the story in his own words.

In conclusion, I do wanna say that the rumors that I've been talking with some Hollywood people are true. I want to be sure that Hamlet's story is told with dignity and respect, and there's this director I've been talking to who seems committed to keepin' it real. He'll also be writing the screenplay, and based on what he's done so far, I'm confident that he will make a movie that will be remembered for decades to come. I can't mention any names, obviously, all I can say is kudos to Will and here's hoping it all works out. Hamlet would have wanted it that way.