My heart is black
Horatio was good enough to pick me up from the airport. I tell ya, sometimes it seems like this guy is the only friend I have left in the world. We took the shuttle and it dropped us off in one of the suburbs. We had to walk from there to my home. As usual when we get back from the airport, we took a shortcut through the Golden Oaks cemetery home. We used to have these excellent goth parties there at night.

Anyway, as we were walking among the headstones, we hear some singing in the distance. I can tell that Horatio's freaking out, what with the ghosts and all, but I can see this spade appearing and disappearing ahead of us. It's some worker digging a grave, and he's singing a tune.
'I respect a guy who enjoys his work', I say to Horatio.
Then the guy stops singing, goes 'whoops' as he hits something hard with his shovel, and throws out a skull. I pick it up.
'Dude, ew!' Horatio goes.
'Oh, grow up. "Help me, Mr Willis! I see dead people!" It's just a guy's skull. Can you imagine that this guy was once some big shot? He probably bossed all kinds of people around, beat up his old lady, stuff like that. And now he's just like the rest of them, Today's Special at McWorm's.'
'You said it', Horatio says.
The guy keeps singing and throws out another skull.
'And take this guy, what do you think he was?'
'Beats me.'
'I'm thinking… some sleazy lawyer, you know, the kind that hangs around hospitals to find victims of car accidents, so he can sue the poor shmucks who hit them. And look at him now, he gets bumped upside the head by this guy's spade, and he can’t even press charges for himself. Say', I go to the gravedigger.
'How can I help you, son?'
'Whose grave are you digging?'
'Mine, obviously.'
Aha. A smartass.
'Sure it is, seeing as you're lying in it.'
'I'm standing upright.'
'Standing upright, but still lying. What man are you digging it for is what I'm asking.'
'Not for a man.'
'Woman then.'
'Not for a woman either.'
'Who.. are.. you.. digging.. this.. grave.. for?' I say.
'For something that used to be a woman.'
'Glad we got that cleared up. How long have you had this job?'
'Since, oh, I don't know, since the Hamlets moved down here. You know the Hamlets, right? With the kid who got sent to England?'
'Why did he get sent to England?' I asked.
'Because he was crazy, that's why. They sent him there to get well. Or not; no one would notice there anyway.'
'Why not?'
'Because those guys are all crazy.'
I didn't want to pursue this line of conversation, so I ask: 'How long does a body stay in the ground before it starts rotting?'
'I don't know, it depends. Some people are rotten long before they die. But I guess five or six years. And here's another one.' He shows me a skull.
'Do you know whose grave you're digging up? Say, whose skull is that?'
'Probably Mr Yorick's, that bozo from Elm Street. He once poured a bottle of beer over me, the moron.'
'This is Yorick?'
'Was.'
'I knew this guy, Horatio', I say, as I look the skull in the eye sockets. 'He was the local clown in our neighborhood. Every kid on the block had him over for their birthday party. Also did weddings and bar mitswas. Yorro the Clown, that was his stage name. Most kids were scared shitless, you know how it is with clowns. But I liked the guy. Look at him, he's still grinning.'
'Have a nice day, fellas', says the gravedigger, and leaves.
'You know, it's funny when you think about it. Everyone who ever lived looks like this now. Even someone like, say, JFK. Smells like this, too.'
'Dude, look who's coming.' Horatio says.

We duck behind a tombstone and what do we see but a whole procession. First it's six pallbearers carrying a coffin. And then it's just about everyone I know. In front are a priest and Laertes, Ophelia's brother, who I guess is back from living it up in Paris. There's my mom, sniffing; and my stepdad, supporting her like the caring, loving rat bastard that he is. And then there's all kinds of people from the neighborhood.
There's only one person missing. I think who it might be and then suddenly I get this really empty feeling in my stomach.
The pallbearers lower the coffin into the grave and the priest starts giving his speech. When he gets to Ophelia's name, I almost go into a fit. Laertes is flipping, too, and there, right in the middle of the speech, he jumps into the grave! 'Just bury me with her!' he shouts.
I can't suppress a shout and before I know it, I'm approaching the grave myself and see him lying on top of the coffin. 'And me too!' I say and jump on top him. We get into a fight right there and then. 'You sick fuck!' he shouts. 'First you kill my dad, and now you made my sister kill herself, too! You wanna piece of me, huh? You wanna piece of ME?!' and he starts choking me.
Then there's a whole lotta commotion, and we're both pulled out.
'You oughta be ashamed of yourselves!' my mom shouts.
'This ends right here, right now!' Laertes yells at me.
'Oh yeah? Bring it on, motherfucker!'
'Now now,' says my stepdad. 'I'm sure we can do this the proper way. Weren't you guys on the fencing team at university?'
We both nod.
'Then let's have a little contest tomorrow, shall we? Nothing serious, all you need to do is hit the other guy, and then it's over. OK?'
We both nod again.

So now I'm meeting Laertes for a duel tomorrow. I've been checking out the old rapier (I dropped out of fencing class in my sophomore year); I hope I'm not too out of practice.