Going home
Well, I didn't stick around in merry old England for long. Turns out my uncle has plans to do me in. I should have known.

When Rosencrantz & Guildenstern went to the toilet on the plane (I swear, these guys do everything together, it's like they're Siamese twins), I flipped open Guildenstern's laptop. He'd been looking at it all during the flight, turning the screen away from me. He'd locked it but I knew his password.

Turned out that he has a Word document on there for Claudius' best friend, a guy called Luigi that we were supposed to meet on arrival. Luigi has this big scar across his face and everybody knows he's trouble. The document spoke volumes. It just told Luigi to arrange to have me sleep with the fishes, for what I must admit was a decent compensation. I didn't particularly feel like taking a long swim with cement shoes on, so I just did a Find/Replace, substituting "Rosencrantz & Guildenstern" for "Hamlet" throughout. The document was saved before my two "pals" got back from the crapper.

We landed at Heathrow and sure enough, there was Luigi waiting for us wearing this big, creepy grin. We went for a coffee in the lounge and there was a lot of small talk going on. "I'm taking a leak", I said, and walked away. What I really did was peep around the corner to see Rosencrantz opening the laptop and turning it toward Luigi, without even looking! Luigi reads what it says and gives the two guys this evil, toothy smile, real creepy.

That looked like my cue to get the hell out of here. No way was Luigi letting these guys out of his sight now. I ran off to an information desk and booked the first flight home, which is in a couple of hours. I'm blogging this from the airport cybercafé. I'm gonna have to watch my back from now on. Wish me luck.